


A Scandal Exposed

by WarnerHedgehog



Series: A Showbiz Conspiracy. [3]
Category: Mock the Week RPF, The Chase (TV)
Genre: Gen, Imps - Freeform, Robots, Television, report
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-03
Updated: 2017-03-03
Packaged: 2018-09-28 02:02:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10065074
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarnerHedgehog/pseuds/WarnerHedgehog
Summary: A news article about the hidden world of TV.This should be read in a sort of OTT, hyper-important, smugger-than-thou sort of voice.





	

**A scandal exposed ******  
By Helen Highwater

I can confidently and smugly predict that TV companies will be in chaos and disarray this week as we can exclusively reveal that many so-called 'celebrities' are robotic fakes. Many panel show comedians and quiz show hosts are actually elaborate mechanical devices that are piloted by small imps and demons. An ITV insider who we will refer to as Benny made the startling revelations during a secret interview in the village of Undisclosed Location on Sunday. Benny works on several shows, including Mock the Week, The Chase, Qi, and Loose Women.  
The fake celebrities are apparently made in Japan by Orokana, a secretive corporation that usually manufacture classified things for governments around the world. The beings that pilot them are small demons that were originally employed in Hades as assistant torturers of the damned. According to a source in the Vatican, the advent of recording technology meant that the Demonic powers that be simply subjected condemned souls to infinately endless repeats of Are You Being Served, Bullseye and the American version of Fawlty Towers, meaning the imps were no longer required and were subsequently made redundant and physically chucked out of Hell.  
Then, in 1997, Dundertainment UK was in need of a new Breakfast TV host but couldn't find anyone with the right combination of screen presence, casual bigotry and vain moronic stupidity that the role demanded. In a blind panic, a secret high-level meeting was hurridly convened in a skittle alley in Romford, with cocaine-addled executives spewing random and badly conceived ideas left, right and centre. It was Athlehampton based Ricky Ropebridge who first floated the idea of using an artificial host, prompting the head of sports to literally laugh in his face. As he explained about ultimate levels of control and how they would have full say over the host's look, socks and behaviour, then the idea gained more traction. At first, initial thoughts leaned towards what Kerry Jyle was already doing at the time with animated guests, but they felt that approach gave limited audience interaction. Keynsham boss Billy Veralone, who had spent most of the meeting faffing about on his laptop then mentioned how the head of Orokana owed him a favour after an incident in Mike ChoonFree's Karaoke bar in Bristol a few years earlier. In June 1999, the first artificial breakfast TV host debuted on British and indeed World television. Farley Oarful was Orokana's Mk.2 SynthCeleb and was piloted by a 5 inch tall demon called Betty (Betty has since moved on to piloting Jimmy Carr). The host was a highly modified version of the original Mk. 1 prototype and was a massive success. The BBC soon cottoned on and in 2000 replaced Anne Robinson with a SynthCeleb after she ran amok because someone forgot to put a bowl of peppermints in her dressing room.  
Now they're everywhere, and not just the Orokana models. A rival company based in Texas, TechsMechs, makes cheaper and slightly shoddier Synths, as the people on the Chase found out when Bradley Walsh broke down mid-recording. The reason that the house of commons looks so empty most days is that half of our MPs are Synths in dire need of repair. Andy Parsons has solar panels in his head to reduce running costs, which explains the lack of hair. Jeremy Vine is apparently operated by an imp called Phoebe. Due to a manufacturing error, Graham Norton's internal power systems fused and now has a beard battery, as is the case with Frankie Boyle. No real living person would ever look like Joey Essex.  
In short, SynthCelebs are everywhere. If you get in to TV, beware: the powers that be may be ordering your robotic replacement on day one. 


End file.
